The Heart of the Matter

March 31, 2015

The Heart of the Matter

You will never be the person I want you to be and for that I have resented you. I have harbored an unspoken anger because you wouldn't be the person I NEEDED you to be in my hardest times, even though I've always been that person for you. So I took it out on you. I stopped talking to you, I closed my heart and I turned my back... I've ran away.

Yet in this moment, I can no longer tame the ball of rage that bears your face. It has become a force to be reckoned and refuses to be ignored or treated as if it no longer matters.

The truth of the matter is, once I opened my heart to you, my soul didn't know how to close. My soul speaks the truth even when my mouth wants to lie for the sake of self-preservation. But this thing... this monster that is growing within can no longer be hushed. It has to be acknowledged.

It's unfair and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that my expectations have forced you into a corner with no place to go but out. I'm sorry that I didn't grant you the freedom to exist within your truth, whilst I did the same. I never gave you the chance to see my authentic self, so we could not and would never see a happy ending. Instead we saw the end of the book, time-and-time-again.

Well, my pride is set aside and I am open and willing to accept this... the harshest lesson of all. I am trying not to fight, I am trying to be authentic and embrace the hurt as well as the love that comes along with this transformation and awareness. This doesn't mean that everyone will remain in my life out of blanket acceptance; but it does mean that I understand and I forgive all... not just the others involved, but mainly - me.