I've Been Hiding

Have you ever had a moment in which you felt as if you were the only person in the room, regardless of whether there was a crowd around you?  Have you ever felt like you've somehow retreated within yourself so far that it would take a miracle to be pulled back into the light of day?  Have you ever felt sorrow to the very depths of your soul?  You are not alone.

During a period of time in my life (we'll refer to it as The Dark Ages); I was so low that I didn't care if I ever saw the sun rise again.  I felt as if I was the only person on Earth that felt such sorrow, such self loathing, such burden.  I couldn't get myself out of it even through the feigned smiles and off-kilter/ halfhearted jokes.  What made it even worse is that I felt my condition was a burden to those around me, which in-turn just exacerbated the darkness.  It was a seemingly endless cycle of depression and guilt.  

I mention this because I feel it's important to share our stories with one another... after all, that's how we learn and grow.  Besides, there is no shame in going through a storm.  Thing of it is; I struggled for so very long.  It became such a normalcy for me, that I wasn't even aware that I wasn't showing my true self to those that newly entered my life.  I had up a defensive shield that would push others away before they could even think of leaving me.  This, my friends, is no way to live.  Honestly speaking; it wasn't until I met my husband that I learned how to grow out of this behavior.  It was during the time leading up to our meeting, and the time thereafter that I learned that it was truly OK to be me.  I learned that it was healthy to let my hair down and laugh without keeping my eyes peeled for some proverbial bomb to drop.  

Yet, I must confess that although I have been continuously growing as an individual... I've Been Hiding.  I still have the habit of constructing entire conversations in advance as if they are chess games, yet walking away from an encounter without having uttered a single word.  Fact is, I see/hear/feel things that many would not understand and some would regard as crazy; so I have kept that side of myself a secret.  Truth is my story is so twisted that one might need a detailed map to follow it.  (lol)  

However, I am growing and learning to truly accept myself in the way that those closest to me have done from the moment our paths crossed.  I still struggle with my strong desire to hide/blend into any scene that I encounter, yet I know that HE expects more from me.  So it is for this reason alone that I'm choosing to bite the proverbial bullet.  It's time to embrace who I am; it's time to radiate love and light... It's time to stop hiding!

Just know... it's OK... everything is and will be OK.  

*Peace and Blessings*

Stay tuned for video version www.youtube.com/user/marisamoments