Why do you Wipe Your Tears?

Do you remember the precise moment that you decided to internalize your emotions and take the hits of life on the chin?  Can you recall the events that took place that made you flip the switch of childhood to adulthood; that required placing a veil over raw emotion?  

I can remember a very key moment in my life that I made the conscious decision to stifle my emotions for fear of appearing weak.  I watched a very personal interaction between two adults.  One of close relation to myself and the other a stranger, yet he held great power over my life at the moment.  I didn't know the truth of the word, 'struggle'... I didn't realize that I was facing fiscal hardship beyond most others.  I was living in a vacuum of safety and seclusion from all things 'real'.  I had no clue as to what was at the heart of the events I was observing; I judged.  

Person 1: I need to deposit a check
Man:  I need your ID and account number
Person 1:  Here you are
Man:  This isn't your name on the check; whose check is this?  I need to see the person whose check this is otherwise I cannot help you.
Person 1:  She isn't here, but the check is already signed and I can provide proof of her identity and relation to myself.
Man:  Sorry, that won't work... I can't help you.
Person 1:  Please... I must deposit this money, we need it.  *tears*
Man:  I can't help you.
Person 1:  I don't know what I'm going to do.  Please, we need this money. *more tears*
Man:  Okay, okay; let me talk to the manager, we'll figure something out.  But you can never return with another check like this.

Today as I reflect back on the event, I can clearly see that the tears were not those of weakness, they were that of desperation.  Yet in my young mind, I saw the moment as a reflection of all the things I did not want to be.  I decided that I would never allow myself to be placed in such a predicament and further, I would never allow anyone to reduce me to tears.  It is only upon reflection that I can sympathize with person 1 in this scene and know that is was just as difficult to release the raw emotions as it must have been to be experiencing the moment.  

I still struggle with the notion of allowing my tears to flow in front of others.  I continue to silently award myself for choking down the lump in my throat and fight back the urge to truly wear my heart on my sleeve.  I find myself feeling embarrassed by my own vulnerability and apologizing for moments of transparent humanity.  My heart knows that tears are not a sign of weakness, yet my mind is constantly stuck in past judgment.  So today I have no choice but to push past the moments of yesterday and start anew.  Today I give myself permission to release the emotions that sit on the surface of my endless bottle of suppression.  I allow the tears to flow as a representation of my truths, my struggles, my triumphs, my life; and I do not seek to shield them from the world's prying eyes.  Today, I reveal my truths without apology.  

Now that I've shared my story; perhaps it would be a good time for you to figure out... Why do you wipe your tears?

*Love and Light*

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