Vulnerable

I was reading a newsletter by Kimberley Jones (Awakening Women), in which she was discussing her personal experiences with fear of showing vulnerabilities, and found that the subject truly hit home for me.  

I am a very reserved person by nature, taught that what happens within the family is to remain within the family.  I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, I don't cry openly; I bottle up my true emotions until I get physically sick.  Right now I'm sick in bed again.  It's like my body punishes me for a lesson that I have yet to acknowledge and learn.  My inability to express my internal emotions outwardly manifests into illness.

It's a difficult balance.  Balance = the story of my life in one word.  Ever sought, never attained. 

I recognize that a part of my existence is to help others by offering transparency of self; however, a fact and a reality are two completely separate entities.  To understand a mission and to live it out are exclusive until brought together.  

Truth is my life has had so many struggles, so many obstacles that get setup in front of the next as if being a cruel cosmic joke.  I was born into this world and lost my father 6-weeks later.  My mother struggled to raise my sister and me as a widow in her twenties.  (Did I mention she has spina bifida?)  Her struggles became my struggles.  Yet, I know innately that the circumstances were a blessing in hindsight.  

That is a glimpse of my truth.  I'm beginning to see that there is no flaw in speaking up to share my experiences.  I am starting to understand that these moments are made of the threads of commonality.  No, you may not have lived the same events as me, but there is always a common thread if we care to discover it.  

It's interesting to me.  Just to learn so much about myself from opening my eyes to what I would have previously turned a blind eye.  I think I'm starting to understand why the hurdles exist.  They are not a cosmic prank, setup by the powers that be for some sort of mean entertainment.  Nope, they are set to allow me to maintain and increase my strength.  The moments, good and bad, are to help me help you.  You see, it is because darkness exists, that I can understand the light.  It doesn't mean I have to like the hardships, but it does mean that I can see/embrace the growth that comes from the times of resistance.

At this rate, the incredible hulk will have a run for his money once all is said and done!  ;-) 

*Peace and Blessings*

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