Are You OK?

I remember when I was about 24 years old... I went through a major change in my life and was struggling to make heads or tails of my experiences.  I felt alone, uncertain, scared and angry; among a host of other emotions.  The why's repeated in my head like a broken record.  I felt unworthy of anything remotely positive, so I made the conscious decision to never allow myself to be open enough to give hurt a chance to reach my heart.  I feigned love within my relationships and tap danced affection.  I simply went through the motions.

It was just as f'ed up as it sounds.  I was so numb.  I literally could care less if I lived or died.  I would drink myself into a blackout until I could forget the pain.  I would go out in "party mode" just so I wouldn't have to be alone with myself.  I used people in ways that I felt I had been used my entire life.... And I could get away with just about anything I could dream up! 

Then I snapped!  I just snapped!  I remember shaking all the time.  My hands would tremble as if I had been thrown into a blizzard with no means of protection from the natural elements.  I would go into work, distracted by the continuous flashes of the events that I felt led me to become this machine of calculation and manipulation.  I could no longer focus; I couldn't keep my lies in order... I was a mess. 

Then one day my boss, whom was/is a friend of mine, asked me if I was OK.  I couldn't stop shaking!  Why the hell couldn't I stop shaking?!  Next thing I know I was in tears.  My two year mask was melting away and my broken heart was becoming exposed once again.  There was no place for me to run, I couldn't act my way out of the moment, my truth was out and the only way I was going to get through this, was to face it head-on.

It was a beautiful turning point in my life.  In that moment I decided to seek help outside of myself, and the bottle of alcohol, that had previously held the unofficial title of, counselor.  I was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD [post traumatic stress disorder] and anxiety/depression and went to an outpatient treatment facility for in depth counseling sessions and coping skills.  The entire program lasted a few weeks, of which I had to take a leave from work.  It was quite possibly one of the best decisions of my life, and one that I am very proud to share with you.

Yes, they put me on meds.  Nope, I'm not still on them. 

My views on them (meds/treatment) today?... I say bridges are built to take you from one place to another.  If you are able to travel without needing a highway/bridge/etc... Then blessings unto you my brother/sister.  However, never-EVER, be ashamed to get the help you need.  It's your life and you, my soul friend, are totally worth it!  True enough we are never given more than we can handle, but part of being able to handle things is in knowing when to ask for help beyond yourself when you need it.  Remember, pride is a deadly sin... 

*Peace and Blessings*

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