What is Wrong with Me?!

I have been working on several endeavors lately... I think I've mentioned it a time or two.  Everything about these projects brings me excitement and joy beyond words.  Yet I've noticed that one of my biggest plans keeps becoming paused by my own inability to step-up efforts.  I take time to work on it, yet every time I am alone with this "thing" I find myself looking for the nearest distraction.  The interesting part is that I'm so close to the finish line, that I can see it with crystal clear precision.  What is it that is holding me back?!  What is wrong with me?!

FEAR.

I am recognizing that I have a great fear of success even more so than I have a fear of failure.  Once when I was in the beginning stages of my "career" in the land of admissions, I was offered the opportunity to be promoted to a senior level.  I was told that based on my current performance, that I and one other representative were in the running for this role and that all I needed to do was maintain my efforts and the position would be mine for the taking.  I was stoked!  This would mean that I would've been the youngest person in this role for an international company and that I would undoubtedly be able to increase my travels exponentially.  Yet, along with the excitement came a silent killer... It was fear.

The sounds of doubt loomed in my mind over-and-over.... 

• What if you fail?
• What will you do after you achieve this level of success?... There is nowhere to go but down from here.   

I couldn't help it, the questions screamed over the sounds of hope and eventually I slowed down my productivity to the point in which I found myself not only losing out on the promotion, but also putting my job in jeopardy.   

And here I am, over 10 years later and still facing the same ghosts.  It is so true that we are doomed to repeat the lessons of the past until we take away what we are meant to learn.  So from this moment, I realize that fear is a liar.  It stands as a wall of self-defeat and only aims to crush dreams before they can manifest into reality.  This time, those fears will not hinder my growth.  This time, I will push through even though I feel sick to my stomach and scared of what awaits on the other side.  I will control my destiny and put my hope, faith and trust in the promise of HIS words over my life.  I am destined for greatness and this is only the beginning.

*Peace and Blessings*

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