Returning to Self

October 19, 2014

Returning to Self

I've been really struggling lately. Going through this unintentional "shadow training", which is causing me to examine myself on a very real level. I'm not talking about superficial bullshyt that just sounds good on the surface... I'm talking about real shyt. Accepting my true self, the good, bad an ugly. Recognizing that I have an extremely fuked up temper, but no longer looking to deny it as being a part of my true self.

I've been struggling with even getting to blog because I was thinking that if my share was not of a warm/fuzzy nature, you all would think me to be a fraud. When in reality... this IS reality. Truth is, no one is 'perfect', least of all me. I have my good times and I have my bad times. And of late I've been telling myself repeatedly that I just need to, 'get back to my old self.' Ever since my family moved, I've felt as if I've been stuck in some sort of loop. Everything seems familiar, constant moments of deja vu. Yet at the same time I can feel some funky shyt brewing in my gut. (And I'm not talking stomach issues) I've been feeling like a shell that is walking through the motions of life, while fighting tooth-and-nail to return to my soul's true purpose. Constantly looking over my shoulder to try to identify the part of myself that I somehow lost in hopes of getting it back.

Well, the truth is... I was/ have been the only one holding myself back. So comfortable in the person I was yesterday, afraid to step into the present and embrace the truth that I am no longer that woman.

Change is inevitable. It shows progress (ideally) and if we allow it to flow in the direction our soul is calling, we can welcome our truth and promise. I've been holding myself back and in turn preventing myself from shining my light for others to see. I've been living my life through what I assumed was my forever, when HE was trying to shove me into amazing growth.

So here it is, and here am I... I'm flawed, but that also makes me perfect (lol, gotta love the irony in that). I have a rager's temper but I also have the heart of a compassionate healer. I am recognizing that I don't need to forsake one part of me for the sake of the other. I'm changing and that's OK.

It's time to stop slouching and accept that I'm growing.

*Peace and blessings*

Side note... I have the flu y'all... send some healing to ya girl, I'm starting to get stir crazy!!!!!!