Silent Tears

October 23, 2015

Silent Tears

I'm a very strong woman. But I'm also a very sensitive woman. I used to think that this notion was conflicted and therefore untrue. How can someone be 'sensitive' but 'strong' and vice-versa?

Always trying to cover my tears from anyone that threatened to catch a glimpse. Forcing myself to stand so strong although my legs screamed at me to let them give-way. "No!" I would think to myself... "I'm too strong for that bullshit!" So there I would be, forcing myself to push forward, grimacing through the pain that I refused to acknowledge. Every step of my life being cemented beneath my weary feet.

It's still a struggle even to this day to acknowledge my heartbreaks. To allow people the satisfaction of knowing how deeply their knives have cut into my soul. After all, my wounds represent the struggles I've survived... Right? My first heartbreak, happening even before I knew the words...

How much can a person take until they completely break? How many let downs? How much rejection? How many unsolicited disappointments?....

Am I seeing things from the wrong angle?

OK, let me take a moment to own my role in all of this. I know that I'm not perfect and that I'm a completely acquired taste, but aren't the best things? I take responsibility for my actions and inaction; but I refuse to be a scapegoat for the actions of another.

Perhaps it's time to stop shielding my heart from being exposed to those around me. I am human and I have human responses, however imperfect they may be. I can't remain a cement fortress with no doors if I am to really impact others in the manner, which my destiny calls.

Letting you see my heartbreak is the only way in which I will be able to lead you to heal yours. I can't continue to fear being exposed in such an intimate way, while asking you to do the same for me.