The Position of Power
I go to therapy (and would recommend it to anyone asking); I mention this because I just came from an extremely eye-opening session. You see I've been going through a great internal struggle. This struggle has been between my head and my heart. For example, to know a thing is not the same as accepting it as your truth; so this has been my tug-of-war. Going back-and-forth questioning myself on current and past situations.
My main struggle has been with the issue of abandonment. In my life I've experienced much abandonment (as I saw and felt it). From friendships to family situations; I've always felt as if I were waiting for the other shoe to drop. It would only be a matter of time before someone was bound to walk out of my life, because that was what I had grown accustom to experiencing. So I decided to strap myself into the "victim" seat.
Don't get me wrong, I never wanted people to walk out of my life; but after much experience I saw it as inevitable. So I didn't do things (or at least I tried not to do things) that would have the potential to drive another person away. If anything I would over extend myself in order to make people stay! I would become the person I felt they wanted me to be; I would change my thoughts so that they were more accommodating... I became a shadow.
So imagine my astonishment when I came to the realization that the tables in my life had turned! I realized today that I was only in the "victim" seat because I refused to sit anywhere else. Today I saw that in fact my life has turned so much that I've gone from the bottom of the totem pole to the TOP!
Turns out that the reason my head and my heart have been in such turmoil is because I KNOW how it feels to be rejected, I have lived the life of someone that has been pushed aside for another. But now, in this moment I have shifted into the position of power and I've been having a hard time accepting it. After all, how could I inflict perceived pain on someone that I claim to love, when I know how it feels to be a recipient of that same kind of pain?!
Then I realized that yes, actions have the propensity of inducing emotional pain; but am I so unworthy that I must accept anything and everything in order to not subjugate someone else to the same pain that they have no regards to inflicting on me? When did I become so unworthy of happiness and fulfillment?
Well, this is my head talking.... It's time to introduce this knowledge to my heart. After all, I AM worthy of greatness, but if I wish to achieve it and receive it I must stop shrinking away from my Position of Power.
*Peace and Blessings*
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My main struggle has been with the issue of abandonment. In my life I've experienced much abandonment (as I saw and felt it). From friendships to family situations; I've always felt as if I were waiting for the other shoe to drop. It would only be a matter of time before someone was bound to walk out of my life, because that was what I had grown accustom to experiencing. So I decided to strap myself into the "victim" seat.
Don't get me wrong, I never wanted people to walk out of my life; but after much experience I saw it as inevitable. So I didn't do things (or at least I tried not to do things) that would have the potential to drive another person away. If anything I would over extend myself in order to make people stay! I would become the person I felt they wanted me to be; I would change my thoughts so that they were more accommodating... I became a shadow.
So imagine my astonishment when I came to the realization that the tables in my life had turned! I realized today that I was only in the "victim" seat because I refused to sit anywhere else. Today I saw that in fact my life has turned so much that I've gone from the bottom of the totem pole to the TOP!
Wait, WHAT?!!!.......
Give me a moment, I need to absorb this breakthrough.
Turns out that the reason my head and my heart have been in such turmoil is because I KNOW how it feels to be rejected, I have lived the life of someone that has been pushed aside for another. But now, in this moment I have shifted into the position of power and I've been having a hard time accepting it. After all, how could I inflict perceived pain on someone that I claim to love, when I know how it feels to be a recipient of that same kind of pain?!
Then I realized that yes, actions have the propensity of inducing emotional pain; but am I so unworthy that I must accept anything and everything in order to not subjugate someone else to the same pain that they have no regards to inflicting on me? When did I become so unworthy of happiness and fulfillment?
When did I start putting myself last for the sake of all those around me?!
Well, this is my head talking.... It's time to introduce this knowledge to my heart. After all, I AM worthy of greatness, but if I wish to achieve it and receive it I must stop shrinking away from my Position of Power.
*Peace and Blessings*
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
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