Refusing To Give Up

There are few worse feelings than that of loneliness or solitude. Except for the feeling of being alone even when you're surrounded by people. I define it simply as feeling misunderstood.

I've been extremely in my feelings lately. My emotions have run the gambit of elation to depression, all within the blink of an eye. Could it be the added responsibility and overwhelm of fairly newborn twins? Could it be the PTSD that I've managed to gain after my brush with death? Could it be my anxiety whispering reminders of my inadequacies? Or perhaps it's the massive flare up of insecurities that's seemed to grip my very existence?

This post offers no means of solution nor does it seek public opinion because in all honesty; I'm in the thick of things as I type. I'm just in the mood to vent.

Perhaps I'm simply trying too hard...

I always have this vision of perfection in my mind, which inspires me to take aim (full speed ahead) for what I see. However, this often leads to disappointment because, as we all know, there is no such thing as, "perfect". So this is where I constantly find myself in this tortuous loop of defeat. Yet, I in some masochistic way, I continue because I've never been one to back down even in the face of imminent doom.

Perhaps these moments of heightened despair are reminders that I'm only human. Reminders that I need to come down for air in order to acknowledge that although I've yet to attain my visions of perfection, that things are not as bad as they may first seem. Maybe these moments are meant for me to reflect on the tough shit and to take inventory of what I've accomplished so far as a reminder of how much of a badass I truly am.

... did I mention that I despise these reflective moments? Yet, here I go again on my own... (shout-out to White Snake)

Marisa Moments


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